a recipe for a black hole

I'm flying back to California tomorrow to be split down the middle. 2,890 miles and a lifestyle left from the only place I've remained longer than two years. Go ahead and laugh; I always said this town was killing me and I couldn't wait to get gone, but now I just don't know what to do. I feel like my life lacks forward momentum, you know? I don't want to work in restaurants anymore and my days are increasingly aimless. Here are the options I see thus far:

Stay in Fred - I'm going to be around anyway, while I settle my affairs and look for someone to take over my half of the lease. All my friends are here, and my sister Ann is a day's drive north in Boston. I've gotten used to a small town, and will miss the intimacy and sense of community somewhere else. But I've always been a city mouse, and I need better reasons than "it feels good" to stick around here.

Go Home - San Francisco is hands-down my favorite city in the country. Stanford, where my parents live, is 30 miles down the peninsula. I would be able to spend time with my mother, who has been battling endometrial cancer for the last 742 days. She has asked me to do what I want, regardless of her situation, which spurs a whole different conversation about guilt & duty that I'd rather not get into here. Living with my parents, I could save up towards moving to SF, the #1 most expensive city in the country. On the other hand, living at home is living at home, and we all know how quickly that gets old. I haven't lived there since 1999; all my old friends are gone, and I have no connections outside of my family.

Roam - Though maybe not the smartest move, this is what I do best. Pick a town, pack it up, and go go go. I love starting over, and these post-grad blues are the perfect soundtrack. My cousin Janu offered me her efficiency in New York (2nd & Houston, $1300/m), which would rule. I still think DC kind of sucks, but I could be happy there with all the city-stuff to do, and being close to Fredericksburg. Then there's Philly, Seattle, Barcelona, Bangalore...I want it all and I can have it. Survival is my specialty.

So that's my damage. I promise not to let my hot & heavy infatuation with the west sway me too far, even though she is the prettiest girl in the world. If I'm not back on the 7th, I probably eloped with Strawberry Hill and am raising our hippie love child in a cardboard lean-to on Ocean Beach.

Here's two songs about California that might help to illustrate the way(s) I feel. Gillian Welch is possibly my favorite living female vocalist. And this Biggie song samples the track I posted yesterday, with additional vocals from Zapp. So in fact, does "California Love" by 2Pac and Dre. Everything's coming full circle.

The Notorious B.I.G. - Going Back to Cali
Gillian Welch - Revelator

(right-click the link and press "Save Target As" to download)
click here to buy Biggie from Amazon
click here to buy Gillian from Amazon

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2:57 PM

this is beautiful, and i am impressed. you always said you'd never do this, but we knew you had it in you. i've been avoiding the internet, knowing you'd start posting something too good for me to ignore. and my music collection is starting to show a severe lack of ryan. m.    

8:08 AM

I left my heart in Marye's Heights, too. The efficiency is beautiful. I sort of think you should do whatever you've been dreaming of and planning all this time, though. And it seems like SF is the answer. But, of course, VA is the coolest place in the world, and I selfishly want you to stay here. You'll be back. They always come back.    

3:42 AM

Wow that´s a great blog that you have there, mine is slightly differnent but it basically covers the same topics.

I have a thyroid cancer site. It pretty much covers Cancer related stuff.

Check it out, you won´t regret it... Cheers.. Roger From Http://www.havecancer.com    

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